Open dishwasher. Insert dish.

After more than five years of indentured servitude wedded bliss, Nate has finally come to understand a few key things.

1. I only 'cook' things that come out of a box or the freezer.
2. I will use any and every excuse to avoid vacuuming the house.
3. Reading my book quietly while he plays video games constitutes 'quality time'. (Don't judge. We're in the same room. He's happy. I'm happy. It works.)
4. Starbucks makes any day better.
5. If he was looking for Martha Stewart, he married the wrong woman.

He's still got a few things to learn (like where dirty dishes go and how to work the washing machine) but I think I'll keep him.

Imagine how much easier his training our early years of marriage would have been if we'd had this handy guide back then?

DICTIONARY FOR MEN - Nine commonly used (and frequently misunderstood) female phrases

(Original author unknown)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. ‘Five minutes’ only means five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.

5. Loud Sigh: This is not a word but a clear non-verbal statement. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (See # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)

6. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

7. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That's okay’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

8. Thanks: If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “You're welcome”. This should not be confused with the similar but entirely different 'Thanks a lot'. ‘Thanks a lot’ is pure sarcasm. DO NOT say “You're welcome” as that will bring on a ‘Whatever’.

9. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F--- You.