The Note on the Fridge

Received this as a forward today and thought it was too funny not to share! Original author is unknown.

Dear Oliver and Lola,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find this behavior aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bathroom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the edge of the bed to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

Received this as a forward today and thought it was too funny not to share!

77 days

Is it bad that I already know exactly how many days left until Thanksgiving weekend?

IT'S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!...too bad I'm in Indiana

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Ah! Do you hear it? Taste it? Smell it? Feel it? It's football time, baby!!

I am proudly sporting my orange and wishing the Tennessee game was on TV. I can't wait to see what this season holds with new head coach, Lane Kiffin.

In honor of the official kick-off of college football season, here's a little football funny:

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Know what really grinds my gears?

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People who leave time on the break room microwave. Seriously? Are you so lazy that you can't press Cancel/Stop? Or better yet, set it for the correct time in the first place - the microwave will actually shut itself off for you, no extra button pushing required.

Oh the joys of going back to an office.

The Anti Eye Candy

Will someone please explain to me what the big deal is about Robert Pattinson?

I know all you Twilighter's are gasping and clutching your hearts at my blasphemy but honestly...have you taken a good look at him? He's just nasty. You can practically see the grease dripping off him. Ew. But somehow he is getting mobbed in the streets like he's freaking David Beckham or something. Seriously?

I just don't see it.

Ooh that dress so scandalous....

Recognize that song lyric?

Sisqo's Thong Song just came on my iPod. I many fond memories of shaking my tail feathers to that song at every single college dance a decade ago. I am ashamed to admit I still know every word and sang them out loud while I booty danced around the bedroom.

Sad but true, folks. Sad but true.

Road Warrior

{image via kaitlynsays.wordpress.com}

Dear Fellow Commuters,

I know that I'm the new girl around here and I don't have a lot of experience with this whole commuting thing, but I'm pretty sure I have a competent grasp of the basics. It seems, however, that most of you could use a refresher.

1. There is this thing on the left hand side of your steering wheel called a Turn Signal. It is used to indicate an intention to switch lanes. You ought to try it sometime.
2. The interstate is not the appropriate place for doing your hair, applying your makeup or changing your shirt (or your pants, for that matter). Please pay attention to the road.
3. Mr. NosePicker, you are surrounded by windows. I can see you and so can every other car that passes you.
4. The left hand lane is for people with no intention of exiting within the next five miles. If this is not you, kindly move yourself to at least the middle lane.
5. Short of a vehicular accident blocking all three lanes, there is absolutely ZERO reason that we should be at a complete standstill at any point while on the interstate. This is the INTERSTATE, people - it was invented for the express purpose of avoiding the stop and go of traffic lights. Even if we are moving slowly, we should be MOVING at all times.

In return, I promise to keep my middle finger to myself and do my best to refrain from screaming obscenities at you idiots my fellow road warriors.

Sincerely,
Sara

Never let a bad day get you down

I have a confession. Couch to 5k hit a bit of a snag last week. I am majorly bummed but determined not to let it sidetrack me!

I swore up and down that I would run at least once while I was in Florida last weekend. I even gave up coveted carry-on space to pack my running shoes, only to arrive in the middle of the first tropical storm of the season! It rained off and on all three days that I was there. And then I returned to Indy to find more of the same - three straight days of rain!!

So it was a full week before I got to run and I'd missed two training days of Week 6. My first day back was a run 4 minutes, walk 1 minute day - which I'd completed successfully twice the week before. I even added distance the second time I did it! I was so proud! But the first day back was a different story - I only completed 2 rotations before I started having chest pains. I ended up taking a huge break smack in the middle and walked for five minutes while they subsided. I have random chest pain every once in awhile, but they usually aren't brought on by exercise, so it totally threw me off my game. I was eventually able to run for a third set of 4 minutes but that was it. I was so disappointed in my abysmal performance, I came home and did Level 3 of The Shred as penance!

Needless to say, I was not very excited to run again on Sunday. I was worried about the chest pains coming back and irritated that I'd manage to lose progress in just a week. I'd been thisclose to enjoying my jogs and now I was actually less enthused than when I started this whole thing! I decided to stick with Week 6 since I'd performed so dismally the first time through it. I did a 4/1 training day and completed it without incident, although I definitely noticed I was slower than before.

Today I stepped things up to a 5 minute run and a 2 minute walk. It went better than I expected, although I found myself glancing at the ipod a lot to see how much time is left. It's sad, but I motivate myself by counting down how much longer I have in each little rotation - half way done! only 2 more minutes! only 1.5 more minutes! only 1 more minute! Pathetic, I know. But hey, whatever gets me through, right?

Phshew!

First day done!

It was long, but very good. Everyone was excited for me to join the team. I had a steady stream of well wishers all day and even met the founder of the company when he wandered by.

The office is just ridiculous. They just moved in six weeks ago. It is huge and very modern. Brand new furniture, ergonomic chairs, a gym and a fully stocked kitchen - a Keurig coffee maker and ice cream in the freezers for that afternoon energy boost. How awesome is that?

I was most worried about the other girl in my department - would she be cool? would we get along? I shouldn't have worried!! She seems super cool and made me feel very welcome. And she complimented my shoes within minutes of my arrival - that's my kind of girl!

And the puppies survived their day alone. The dog walker said they were well-behaved and they were beside themselves with excitement to see me. There's nothing better to come home to at the end of a long day!

Jitter Bug

I'm down to my last few hours of freedom before I return to work full-time tomorrow. And I must admit, I'm a total stress ball.

It's kind of like the first day of elementary school. You have no idea what to expect. Will you like your boss? Will you like your coworkers? Will they like you? Will you like the job? Will you be able to find the bathroom when necessary? Will you be dressed appropriately?

There are all the questions about how this will affect my life in general - how will I adjust to the commute? How will I find time to work out and run? Will I be able to get the housework done? How in the world will I make time for everything I need to get done? Will the puppies hate me for abandoning them for hours on end?

And most surprisingly, I'm sad. Sure, I'm thrilled to finally have a job. To be a productive member of society again. But I'm also kind of sad to see my unemployment end. I mean, when else will I get the opportunity to do whatever the heck I want for weeks on end? The funny part is, I was so worried about finding a job and not spending money, that I couldn't fully enjoy the time off. And now that I have a job and money to once again spend as I please, I'll have no time to enjoy it! It's a nasty Catch-22.

I'm also sad to see my time as a telecommuter really truly come to an end. I know it's been five months since I lost my job, but I kind of kept expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out from some bush and tell me I've been punked. The company didn't fold and my job is still right where I left it - won't I pretty please come back? I guess that just speaks to how much I loved my old job, my boss, my employees and the perks of being a telecommuter. I'd go back in a heartbeat, if I could.

I know tomorrow the thrill of the new challenge will rush in and I'll be fine. I'm excited about the challenges and opportunities at the new company. I'm excited about meeting new people and flexing my work muscles again. And I'm excited about dressing up for the office (because we all know, everything comes back to the clothes!). Whenever I start to lose focus, I'll just hold onto these things. That...and the promise of a good glass of wine at the end of a long and hopefully productive day!

OMGodiva

Guess what ridiculously yummy chocolatier now has a customer loyalty reward program?


After dinner last night, I cajoled Nate into letting me pop into the Godiva store at the nearby mall. I'm rarely in that part of town so a stop at my favorite chocolate store is a super special treat.

I picked out half a dozen truffles (vanilla, raspberry, key lime, cacao and 2 cappuccino's, for those who are curious) and was ready to go on my blissfully happy way, when the heavens opened and a choir of angels raised a joyful 'Hallelujah'.

Um, well, okay. Maybe that didn't actually happen, but it might as well have.

Godiva now has a Customer Loyalty Program! And it's seriously the best one I've ever seen!

Free chocolate of your choice every. single. month. Just for coming in. No purchase minimum, no coupon required. Just show up with your Loyalty Card and TADA! Free chocolate.

And if that's not enough, if you spend $10 on any visit, you get another free gift. Hello?! Who can go to Godiva and spend less than $10? Not this gal! Monthly truffles, here I come!

I'm seeing a lot more visits to that part of town in my future....

If you didn't know me better, you'd think I made this stuff up

The rather colorful history of my Dog Grooming adventures has been well-documented here at Unwrap Life. Last time I swore up and down that I had learned my lesson - nothing but on-site grooming for us from now on.

Um, yeah. About that...

In an attempt to bring order to my entire universe before returning to full-time work next week, I am on a full-scale cleaning binge, which apparently includes cleaning the furbabies. Sadly for me and my procrastinating ways last minute planning, the only mobile doggy salon I found doesn't have any openings until well into next week.

Which of course, means a trip to the puppy wonderland otherwise known as PetSmart, where lazy puppy mommies everywhere can get a last minute appointment for the privilege of paying ridiculous sums of money to have their furry devils darlings brushed, buffed and blow-dried.

We made it into the car without the spilling of blood or crushing of ribs and made our way to PetSmart in one piece. Leashes on and out into the parking lot we went - where Lola promptly wrapped her leash around Oliver's leg, halting all forward progress.

I put a foot on the handle of each dog's leash as I crouched down to free him. BIG MISTAKE. Lola saw her opportunity and bolted, taking a mad dash across the parking lot, leash dragging noisily behind her. I, being terrified that she is going to be hit by a car, give chase. Which apparently only encouraged her, as this is a super fun game! Poor Oliver is trying gamely to keep up as I run through the parking lot, alternately screaming and begging Lola to 'COME NOW!'. There was one particularly ugly moment where I actually managed to step on her leash, only to have it fly out from under me and nearly topple me into the very nice man who stopped to help the crazy lady. Embarrassing much?

I eventually caught her, beat the living daily lights out of her and then watched as she pranced prettily into PetSmart as if the raving lunatic in the parking lot had not the slightest thing in the world to do with her.

She's lucky she's so darn cute or she'd be so dead by now.

Nostalgia

It's silly and kind of pathetic to admit but six years post-college, I still get a little nostalgic every fall as the kiddies move into dorms, twitter about class schedules, who's rooming with whom and who broke up or made up over the summer. It's worse than ever this year, as my baby sister embarks on her freshman year at a big ol' Southern university not too far from my own alma mater. I was so sad not to be there for move-in day but I made up for it by boring her to death imparting hours of sage wisdom on making the most out of her college experience: Take lots of pictures, say yes to new experiences, befriend someone you'd never talk to in high school, take advantage of every 'skip' the professor gives you.

Of course, being the sappy girl that I am, I dragged out all my college scrapbooks and fondly relived those four years multiple times over the last week with visions of a sweet memory post in my head. But I quickly realized there are FAR too many memories to ever fit into a single post. Heck, I could start a whole new blog and post about college adventures for a year straight and not run out. And I was struck anew with an appreciation for those four years of my life. I love my grown-up life for sure, but I think I will always be just a little bit sad every fall, remembering the people, experiences and adventures that made me the adult that I am today. And now I'm okay with that.

If you need me, I'll be the couch with a glass of wine and a pile of scrapbooks, making a list for my baby sis.

Ever have one of those days....

....when the dog takes off after a rabbit and you must chase her through the neighborhood. Barefoot. In a skirt?

....when you spend 20 minutes tearing your desk apart looking for a file, only to discover you put it exactly where it was supposed to go?

...when you're already running late and you get all the way back to the car, keys in ignition, only to realize you left your purchase sitting at the cash register?

...when you get through the entire crazy day and realize that you've been wearing two different earrings.ALL.DAY.LONG?


Yeah, that kind of day never happens to me either.

Couch to 5K

I have a little confession to make. I've been keeping a bit of a secret from you.

Now before you start dreaming in pink and blue, it's not that kind of secret. Sorry.

A few weeks ago I was out with some girlfriends and the conversation turned to working out. This was in the midst of my Shred workout and I was trying to figure out how to keep my momentum going after my 30 day Shred was over. We were tossing around ideas and before I knew it - BAM! - I'd agreed to run a 5k in November.

Say what?!

Those who know me IRL are laughing out loud right about now. It's okay. Admit it. The idea of me running anything is laughable.

I hate to run. Loathe it. Despise it. I'd rather go a month without shopping than run around the block. That's some serious hate, ya'll.

But oddly enough, every few years I get the urge to 'become a runner'. The first time was the summer that Nate and I started dating. Trying to be a good girlfriend, I agreed to go running with him. I was young and in shape (enough), surely a mile or two would be do-able, right? Wrong. Half a mile in, I was huffing and puffing like a two-pack-a-day smoker while Nate literally ran circles around me as we jogged at a snails pace. Three quarters of a mile in, I waved the white flag and walked to the cafeteria where I drowned my embarrassment in soft-serve ice-cream.

The most recent time was two years ago when we moved to an apartment with a gym, complete with nice big treadmills on which to run indoors. Had to be easier than running outside, right? Wrong. Half a mile in, I was bored out of my mind. Why do people do this? This is so not fun. How do they make the time go by? I know! They get in the 'zone'. I'll close my eyes and find my zone! Twenty seconds later, I was no longer running upright on the treadmill. Note to self: Real runners do not close their eyes while on the treadmill.

Clearly my, uh, track record with running leaves a lot to be desired. But as Nate has gotten more into competitive running lately, I've found myself once again fighting the urge to pound the pave. So when my friend Jamie mentioned that she was starting a program to teach herself to run, I found myself not only asking to join her but suggesting this....




Before the night was over, we'd agreed to run the Indianapolis 5K Turkey Trot together this Thanksgiving. And just so I wouldn't chicken out, I talked about it to anyone who would listen while we were on vacation. Nothing like public humiliation to get a girl motivated!

The program starts out slow - nothing but walking for the first two weeks. Then it slowly starts building your running time and then once you are comfortable running, it builds your distance up so that by the end of 8 weeks, you're running 3.2 miles.

The first two weeks were easy, peasy - just walking longer and longer distances. The hardest part was making the time and finding the motivation to do it. Quite honestly, that's why I didn't mention it here earlier. I was afraid I'd just get bored and move on to something else. But doing this with a friend has made all the difference! We don't actually train together, but we text, email or talk each running day to see how it went and to keep each other accountable. Knowing she's going to ask how it went is just the kick in the pants I need to get out there and do it.

I'm going into week 5 today. My runs are now more running than walking and I dare say, I am kind of starting to enjoy it a teeny tiny bit. It still sucks to be all sweaty and sucking wind and I run as slow as molasses, but I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I get done. I'm not to the point yet where I want to go out and run, but I don't completely dread it anymore either. That's progress, right?