The Neurotic Versatile Blogger

As promised, my other award from the talented (and recently promoted!) Cole.

For the Versatile Blogger award I need to tell you all 7 things about myself.

1. I always flush the toilet with my foot in public restrooms. Yes, I realize the stall door and the sink handles have just as many germs, but I can't help myself.

2. I have this obsession with headbands. I want to wear them so badly. My favorite barista at Starbucks wears one nearly every day and looks darling. I want to look darling too! Sadly for me, I've got a big fat head, so all I end up with is a big fat headache to match.

3. I currently owe $2.25 in library late fees. If I can't renew a book I'm reading, I'll just keep it until I'm finished. Bad, library patron, bad!

4. I hate it when people mispronounce the words indicative [in-dik-uh-tiv] and preferably [pref-er-uh-buh-leel . If you can't pronounce it correctly, you shouldn't be using it in a sentence.

5. After that last one, I might as well admit this one too: I love dictionary.com! More people should use it.

6. I like to keep my email organized. I have at least two dozen folders in my Yahoo account and file everything accordingly. I realize this makes me a dork. But I'm a dork who can find any email from the last 7 years.

7. When Nate's out of town, I always sleep with the bedroom door locked. I don't know why this makes me feel safer. All it really does is slow the bad guys down long enough to wake me up so that I'm fully conscious when they come to get me, but whatever. If it helps me sleep at night, that's all that really matters.

Your turn! Give me one random fact about yourself in the comments.

What a real man does....

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and he will never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and to forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will help her be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible....

No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine.

That's what wine does....

Never mind.

_______________

Special thanks to my girl, Jamie, who brightened my day with this in my inbox. Who doesn't love a what wine does?

A scoop of chaos with a side of nuts

Cole from over at All the Small Stuff must have known I've been lacking in the blogging inspiration department lately, so she dropped some inspiration right in my lap in the form of two awards! One for today and one for later this week (you know, because I'm lazy like that).

I love the idea of 'A Daily Scoop of Chaos' - that's exactly how I feel like my life is right now! It was a roller coaster of a crazy emotional week over here. Nothing earth shattering, just a whole lot of random insanity that we were not quite prepared for. Add in the regular HOA drama and a really crummy project at work and we had a whole freaking ice cream SUNDAE worth of chaos.

What is your signature color?
Hmmm...this one is a toughie. If I'm getting dressed, I will always reach for black as my signature 'look'. If I'm decorating, it's anything in the autumnal color family. If we're talking about the color I gravitate towards like a magpie to shiny objects? That would orange, of course!

What is your most embarrassing moment?
Oh, so many to choose from, how will I ever narrow it down to one? Embarrassing stuff happens to me all the time, ya'll. Not even kidding.

My mom reminded me of this one the other day: I was 15 years old, we were living on the tropical island of Guam, and I had a babysitting job for a new family I'd not met before. As I knock on their front door for the very first time, a giant gecko (you know, like the Geico commercial?) falls from the roof of their house, straight onto my head. I, of course, start shrieking like any girl worth her soprano lungs and batting crazily at my head in an attempt to free the lizard from my hair. And just in time to see my manic fit, the mom opens the door, with the dad standing right behind her.

Hi, guys, I'm here to care for your children. So lovely to meet you.

Would you ever get anything pierced other than your ears. If so, what?
Considering I barely survived the panic attack when I got the second hole in my ears at age 12, I highly doubt it.

Are you a social butterfly or a homebody?
I am naturally very shy in large groups. Most people are shocked to hear this because I tend to speak my mind most of the time. But that's only to people I know. Although I must say, unemployment was good for one thing - it forced me to learn how to network despite my natural proclivity toward being a wallflower.

I love nothing more than staying home in my jammies with my hubby and my puppies, a great glass of wine and a good read.

Are you done having babies or do you want more?
I used to want five babies, but given our current difficulties, I've down-scaled that to three. Nate is holding steady at two. We'll see.

Are you loyal to your hairstylist or do you try every salon in town?
I've written about my allegiance to hairstylists before. I'm sad to say I've still not found someone I'm crazy about here in Indy. Luckily, I'm doing the growing out thing right now so it's more about maintaining health than maintaining a style. When I eventually grow tired of it and chop it again, chances are I'll be headed to K-town to do it. Sad, but true.

How many times have you moved in your life?
Oh my word. I don't know if I could count them all. Let's try:
Florida to Georgia at age 2
Georgia to Virginia at age 7
Virginia to South Carolina at age 10
South Carolina to Guam at age 14
Guam back to South Carolina at age 16
Sumter, SC to Due West for college x 4 years of college (which, if you think about it, is really EIGHT moves - 4 in and 4 out!)
Sumter, SC to Knoxville when we got married at age 22
Knoxville to Boston for six months at age 26
Boston to Indianapolis apartment
Indianapolis apartment to our first house at age 27

If you could plan your vacation with just you and your love where would it be?

We have so many places we'd like to go. Too bad that pesky job thing keeps getting in the way! We'd love to go back to Europe and see the places we missed the first time - Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Spain and Italy. We want to hit Australia for at least two weeks. I'm dying to go to Turks and Caicos someday.

Your turn! If you could vacation anywhere in the world, with anyone you chose, where would you go and with whom?

Quotables

{image found here}

I was at the nail salon today getting a much needed pedicure with a girlfriend, chatting merrily away, oblivious to those on either side of us. I was telling her about how I finally wore down talked Nate into letting me hire Merry Maids to clean the house every other week. To which she naturally replied, in complete mock jealousy: Boo, you whore!

At which point we suddenly became aware of the lady to my right - who literally clucked her tongue and shook her head in dismay.

Clearly, she has never seen Mean Girls. Poor thing.

Which got me thinking about all the movie lines I quote on a daily basis, without even thinking about it.

Gopher hole! - Homeward Bound
That's gonna leave a mark. - Tommy Boy
Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? - Rush Hour
What we've got here is a failure to communicate. - Cool Hand Luke
There's no crying in baseball. - A League of Their Own
This one time, at band camp... - American Pie
I'm gonna run a train on some chicken wings. - Role Models
Missed it by that much. - Get Smart

and of course,

Boo, you whore! - Mean Girls

I'm sure there are tons that I am forgetting because I know I do this all the time without even thinking about it. And that's not even counting all the TELEVISION show lines! That's a whole other post worth.

What movie quotes do use on a daily basis? Do tell!

I've been over Tom Cruise for the better part of the last five years, basically ever since he lost his mind and his dignity with all that couch jumping and verbal sparring with Matt Lauer.

I've had no desire to see any of his recent movies. Valkyrie looked like a snooze fest. Knight and Day (or is it Day and Knight? I forget. Whatever.) looks like every other trying-too-hard-to-cover-a-crappy-script-by-hiring-two-overpaid-stars caper these days. Think I'll skip it.

Of course I had to give props where props were due - his portrayal of Les Grossman was just about the only good thing about Tropic Thunder. And possibly the best acting job old Tommy boy has ever done.

So I wasn't expecting much when I heard Mr. Cruise was making an appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. A little image rehab and an effort to make himself relevant to the current generation, perhaps.

Oh, how wrong I was.

This is freaking hilarious. Tom Cruise should do more comedy. Seriously. I almost hurt myself laughing last night.

I predict a movie starring Les Grossman very, very soon.

Apples and Wine

I got this email from one of my girlfriends the other day and couldn't help but laugh out loud. Belly laughs are a good way to start a Monday. Enjoy!

There's a boy who works at Starbucks....

To promote their new Any-Way-You-Want-It Frappuccinos, it's Frapp Happy Hour at Starbucks from 3-5pm every day this week! Although, technically it should be Happy Hours, since it's actually two hours, but whatever! As long as they are giving me a frappuccino at half price, I don't care what they call it!

I tried their new Extra Coffee Caramel Frap with non-fat milk yesterday and it was delish. The more coffee, the better in my opinion!

So in honor of Happy Hour week, here is a little tribute to Starbucks from one of my favorite Broadway stars, Kristin Chenoweth. Makes me giggle every time!

LOL(a)

I would just like to say that this episode is in no way indicative of how often I do or do not vacuum.

And the Oscar goes to.....

Who watched the Oscars last night?

I watch every year, and by 'watch' I mean I have the TV on while I am surfing the internet/reading/scrapbooking and tune in only when someone I like is on the screen. Clocking in at 3.5 hours last night, Oscar is a little on the overkill side.

But for the first time in history (well, my history at least), I watched the entire thing. Normally I watch until 10 or so and DVR the rest. Even the year Reese Witherspoon was nominated didn't keep me up til the end. I'm not sure if that is a function of the show being slightly more interesting this year (young stars! funny hosts! no singing!) or the fact that I didn't have to get up and go to work the next morning.

But considering I thought this commercial was actually the funniest part of the entire show, I'm going to guess it was the whole sleeping in thing. I died laughing when this commercial came on. And then I rewound it three times and watched it again.



If there was an Oscar for 'Coolest Wife in the World', Jennifer Garner would win hands down.

OOOOH, NOOOO

To say I had a rough day at work today would be an understatement. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself until this commercial came on for the zillionth time. And for the zillionth time, I laughed like a lunatic at it. If you haven't seen the Geico Pothole Commercial yet, get ready. Note to first time viewers: You might want to swallow whatever you're drinking before you press play. Unless, you know, you like the sensation of snorting diet soda through your nose.

Because sometimes you just need to laugh until you cry....

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The Note on the Fridge

Received this as a forward today and thought it was too funny not to share! Original author is unknown.

Dear Oliver and Lola,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find this behavior aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bathroom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the edge of the bed to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

Received this as a forward today and thought it was too funny not to share!

Gummy worms women

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is what you think it is.

Nate's coworker went to Germany and brought back a bag of naked gummy women. Seriously? I know they are a little bit more open than us 'prudish' Americans but still...who wants their kid to run through the grocery store yelling, 'Mummy, can I have naked women after dinner?'

I can haz shooz?

{image via lolcats.com}

I am in shoe lust. These are completely out of character for me but I am digging them big time. A little too much for Easter Sunday though, right?

{image via VictoriasSecret.com}

How's that for comedic timing?

{image via dilbert.com}

Remember how I said yesterday that we were three weeks behind on our project time line? Today's Dilbert explains it perfectly.

(Ad)Venture on over....

Some day when you need a good chuckle, go check out Demon Baby and Me. This is one of my all time favorite blogs and it never fails to make me smile. Erica has the patience of a saint, Demon Baby has the face of an angel and their adventures are nothing short of hilarious.

It's a rough life...

...to be a dog in my house.

I went out to the kitchen a few minutes ago to make lunch and this is how I found Oliver on the couch in the living room.


I took three pictures and he didn't move a muscle. He was totally sacked out. So cute!

Truer words were never spoken....

My mom got me this daily calendar for Christmas. I am pretty sure Nate would tell you I didn't need any additional encouragement to channel my Inner Bitch...

Ain't this the truth?

Sometimes I would swear my work life is a Dilbert cartoon. Anyone else build in extra time in their project plans for MFU's? I know I sure do!

Open dishwasher. Insert dish.

After more than five years of indentured servitude wedded bliss, Nate has finally come to understand a few key things.

1. I only 'cook' things that come out of a box or the freezer.
2. I will use any and every excuse to avoid vacuuming the house.
3. Reading my book quietly while he plays video games constitutes 'quality time'. (Don't judge. We're in the same room. He's happy. I'm happy. It works.)
4. Starbucks makes any day better.
5. If he was looking for Martha Stewart, he married the wrong woman.

He's still got a few things to learn (like where dirty dishes go and how to work the washing machine) but I think I'll keep him.

Imagine how much easier his training our early years of marriage would have been if we'd had this handy guide back then?

DICTIONARY FOR MEN - Nine commonly used (and frequently misunderstood) female phrases

(Original author unknown)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. ‘Five minutes’ only means five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.

5. Loud Sigh: This is not a word but a clear non-verbal statement. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (See # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)

6. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

7. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. ‘That's okay’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

8. Thanks: If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “You're welcome”. This should not be confused with the similar but entirely different 'Thanks a lot'. ‘Thanks a lot’ is pure sarcasm. DO NOT say “You're welcome” as that will bring on a ‘Whatever’.

9. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F--- You.